Learning To Love Myself. Again.
So, it's been a while since I've added to this blog. Mainly, because I haven't felt the need to, until now. Let me catch you up! I'm now working and living in Japan, it's amazing. However, it doesn't come without its pitfalls but we'll come to that.
Before coming here, I was all set with some medication for my E.D. which was going SO well. Until one night, I used it and, well, let's say it worked a little too well... I woke up and was still... awake. It had now been 8hrs. The last time this happened, 8hrs was about the time I managed to get rid of my discretion. But not this time. This time, I had to go to A&E in High Barnet, London. Upon arriving, I had to tell the receptionist what was going on. I mumbled under my breath, "I've had an erection for almost 12 hours". I was greeted with, "I'm sorry, can you repeat that?". To which I responded, "Could I get a pen and paper? It's sort of embarrassing". "Sorry, you have to speak up". Me, exasperated and in pain, "I have had an erection for almost 12 hours!" To which I hear a voice from behind me turn to my girlfriend and say "I wish I had that problem". No sir, no you do not. The old lady behind the desk fumbled with an awkward "Oh, right, ok" as she then proceeded to question me about the details right there in the waiting room, in front of a queue of wounded. Thanks. I then got seen promptly and they told me they couldn't deal with this. So, they called me an ambulance and said they'd be sending me to a Central hospital who was more equipped. The ride was comfortable after they gave me a painkiller suppository the size of a rifle bullet... Upon arriving, I was now coming up to 18 hours. It was agony to walk. It's surprising how far that particular muscle extends and how many other muscles start to ache when that one is overworking. I finally get seen at this A&E another two hours later because they're backed up. They take a look and realise they too aren't equipped to deal with this. They call a specialist who works an hour across London and he says they won't see me until this A&E have tried a particular procedure which requires draining the unmentionables using a large syringe. They aspirated and it didn't work. So, they sent me directly to the specialist, whom is my specific specialist that has been working my case since I arrived in London. They manage to see me, coming up on 26 hours now and rush me straight into surgery. The minor operation is a success and I'm free to go! Happy days! They then tell me that after 4 hours, you risk the loss of muscular usage. So, they're going to push my operation for the implant up to a few weeks from now. The trouble is, I leave for Japan in four and the operation has a six week recovery period so I had to turn it down. The operation I've been jumping through hoops to get for four years, I had to say no to.
Fast forward and I'm in Japan, I have my medication so I'm all set. I take the minimum amount I could for fear of the same incident happening. Sadly, it did. This time though, it's not as easy as just finding an A&E. I contact my support team here and they start to look into what can be done. They make calls to clinics and hospitals across the area, nobody will take me. 24 hours later and I'm in absolute agony. I've never felt anything like it. I head to a clinic which actually tried to sell me Viagra due to everything getting lost in translation. At this point, I'm supposed to be starting my new job in two days. This was not the first impression I wanted to give and the culture here is really not as open or communicative of these sort of sensitive issues. Luckily a friend and colleague found a university hospital that may see me, so, 50 hours later (ouch), I end up at the hospital. They see me, the translation is slow and they're fascinated by what's happened. They also have never seen the medication before and so don't know how to combat it. I try to tell them to aspirate as that's what worked last time and they fetch one of the teachers to take a look, a senior professor nonetheless. He takes a look, 60 hours in, and sends for HIS teacher! He also takes a look and they spend 4 hours discussing what to do. Eventually they perform the aspiration and all is fixed. However, after 64 hours, the bruising was something I've never seen before. It LITERALLY looked like the eggplant emoji. It was so purple and swollen. Woof. Fast forward six months and I'm in a different place of my life. I'm single and struggling with self love. Today a few things happened that have led to me writing this post. Firstly, it's hot here, like 36° but with 87% humidity. My hyperhidrosis can't cope with it. I've started taking a spare tee everywhere I go and a towel but it's just not enough. The sweat is real and it's so embarrassing. Today, I went for coffee after work and I forgot my spare t-shirt. I'm already known for being constantly wet due to my body not being able to regulate it's temperature. This was hideous today though. I sat down and my shirt was literally stuck to my back and see-through. I got out a towel and tried to dry myself off but then, one of the girls who works there, (we're all very friendly with them), came over, gave me a glass of iced water, took my towel and started to dry my back for me. I was mortified. This isn't normal for a Japanese person but she didn't seem to mind. I, however, was so embarrassed because I was so uncomfortable that someone else was touching my sweaty towel and my tee. I was able to take my top off half an hour earlier in the toilet and squeeze it out into the sink... that's how bad it was. Earlier this morning, my stomach was also playing up. Something I've not really had to deal with since being here but it's still a problem occasionally. Today though, I had to use the toilet in our dressing room. Again, something I try not to do as, if you've read any of my previous posts, you'll know why. But today I was struggling. I used the facilities, came out and carried on with my day. Someone else had to use it after me and well, I'm ashamed to say, the amount of water that had exited my body had caused some splashback that I'd clearly missed. I then had to go in after them and clean this up, obviously. But this was also so embarrassing which, for me is a rare emotion. It takes a lot to embarrass me but my colleagues and friends here in Japan have only had to deal with my health issues for six months or so and so I'm still not fully confident around them, as much as I discuss it or joke/deflect.
This has led to me questioning something that a few close friends have said to me before and I finally realise it for myself. I don't love myself enough to love anybody else or expect anybody to love me. It sounds like I'm being self deprecating and I'm looking for validation, which I'm not. I'm once again using this platform to express myself and talk through my emotions and experiences for anyone who is reading, in case it helps you too. But still, I don't know how to learn to love and accept myself and my health problems. Even after all these years, I still struggle to understand why anyone would want to spend their life with me being the way I am. And this is probably why I struggle to hold any form of relationship longer than a couple of years. I am working on it and I'm working on myself. It does help that I have an incredible network of people who love me and do constantly tell me it's nothing to worry about or that it's not embarrassing but until I can truly believe that and not constantly make excuses for myself or my body, how can I expect to be truly happy.
So, just like me, it's ok to feel uncomfortable in your own skin sometimes and it's ok to not feel ok once in a while. We're only human after all. But once you recognise this, then you can begin to work on making yourself comfortable because let's face it, who wouldn't want to be happy as themselves? I know I do.
If you've read this but none of my other posts, feel free to check them out. They're way funnier than this one, I promise!