I'm Blue Dabudee Dabudaii...
- Matt Knowles
- Mar 8, 2017
- 6 min read
How does sadness present itself to you?
To me, it’s a bubble. When I’m felling low, I just want to ask for help but I can’t. I end up sitting in my room, binge watching Netflix, not really paying attention to whatever is on and re-reading the same timeline posts over and over again on social media. All I want to do is ask someone to help me but the bubble doesn’t allow it. It stops me from calling out, from texting friends whom I know would be there to help in a second. Even if a friend were to contact me while I’m in this state, I wouldn’t be able to tell them how I felt. I would force a smile and say, “Yeah, I’m ok.” or “Meh, same old same old.”
I wouldn’t be able to bring myself to tell them how I truly feel. Those of you reading this who consider themselves my friend, please don’t take this personally or as a failure on your part. Unless you’re a psychic, you wouldn’t know and it’s nothing to do with you as to why I wouldn’t tell you. A few could probably tell if they were with me but through years of closeness, anyone can read a person.
Sadness is caused by many things and has so many depths. I’m by no means depressed but I have definitely looked over that precipice before. Usually for me, it’s brought on by a few things; money, health and where I am within my timeline right now.
Money is the root of all evil. This I firmly believe, without it you suffer but I imagine having too much would become a burden. Everything is relative of course, some people experience crushing debt and bankruptcy while other people have no savings, live day to day and can’t plan for the future but both could bring the same levels of sadness depending on your situation. I am the latter, I was way too careless with my money when I had the opportunity to save it and I’ve now hit a rut where I can’t imagine ever owning my own flat let alone a house. And now, every time I seem to be starting to save anything, something comes along to rip the rug right out from under me. I hate that I depend on money to bring me happiness, the reason I believe it to be evil is because it has such a strong dictation over our lives.
Health, health is a weird one for me because in the grand scheme of things, I have nothing to complain about. With Cancer, AIDS and so many other major diseases out there, my ailments are seemingly of little importance.
My problem is the amount of them and the constant battle to be OK about them. I was diagnosed with type 1 diabetes when I was 20. I knew nothing about it and at the time, all I was given was a stack of paper and the insulin I needed to survive. With little to no understanding of the complexities of carb counting, insulin and how things like different foods, alcohol, even adrenaline and illness can affect it, I slowly slipped into a downward spiral of not looking after myself. On top of that, I was about to start Drama School. As with any situation like this, I wanted to stay up late every night, experience the flat parties and go out clubbing at the weekends. Not knowing how dance and exercise affects diabetes and alcohol consumption led to a regular visit from paramedics because my blood glucose control was obscene. It wasn’t really until recently, after a literal near death experience and a new team of doctors and specialists really putting me under a microscope, that I’ve had a grip on my health. I rebelled against it too, as I understand is often the case with young people who weren’t born with it and have to make a major adjustment to their lifestyle because of it. Not knowing that it’s the second most important hormone in the human body can lead to all sorts of complications when you don’t take it.
The years of poor control means I have developed further complications with my health. For over four years I have suffered with intestinal issues, (read All Guts, No Glory for some hilarious anecdotes), this has lead to many a rushed toilet stop which can be an inconvenience, to having accidents which are more than a nuisance. Unless you have experienced these for yourself, I don’t know that I can describe the embarrassment, shame and anguish that is caused knowing you have the same bowel control as that of a 6 month old infant or the incontinence of a 90 year old.
I have learned that there are people out there who care but don't care. As in, they care about me but don't care about my issues. Ask yourself, how would I react if my other half woke me suddenly in the night with “Hey, you have to wake up. Roll out of bed the other way and jump in the shower, I’ll be through in a bit”. Could you be ok with that? I think it’s alright if you said no. But to know there are people out there who would be there for me in that situation to empathise and then laugh about it later with me is so comforting.
Recently the excellent team at the BRI confirmed my condition as Gastroparesis, something I still know little about other than it can be caused by poor blood glucose control and it’s a chronic gastric disease, (bonus part means I can get fast-track tickets at Disneyland). It causes food and drink to stay in my stomach for over two hours before being processed, we’re still not sure how long it actually stays in my stomach as they stopped the test at two hours.
On top of this, I have erectile dysfunction, again caused by poor control of my diabetes. I will cover this in a separate blog post but once again, on top of your other half treating the bedsheets like his own personal dumping ground, he can’t get an erection, could you be alright with that? My friends and family are always there when I need support and I love all of them for it. For that I can never be thankful enough.
My life situation. This is another tricky one. I’m 30 in under a months time and I live at home with my parents. There's nothing wrong with this as such, but I don't feel it's a situation I should be in. I have moved out twice but I always seem to end up back at the same place. I’m working as a PR & Sales Administrative Officer for a jeweller. I trained at drama school to be a performer! I’m not in the place I want to be and haven’t been for a long time. I’m currently looking at changing this because I am the only one who can change this situation but it still doesn’t stop this from bringing me down.
The other day my I came home from work and my Dad was telling me how their dream home had just come up on the market. If it was possible, they were looking at putting an offer on it. This would mean downsizing though. My youngest brother is 24, was very successful at University and now has a good job that pays well. Most importantly though, he’s sensible. He’s always been sensible and because of this, could be in a position to put a deposit down on a house within a few years. This conversation with my Dad then took a devastating and life affirming turn when he said, “Your brother may end up buying ours from us. But it’s ok, he’s said you could live with him.” I love my family, obviously, but the thought of “It’s ok, he said you could live with him”, made me feel like I was being passed around to be looked after because I clearly couldn’t do it myself. Don’t get me wrong, it could be a laugh living with my brother, we get on and have similar interests but the fact that there’s five years between us and he’s clearly doing better than I am made me feel really low. I’m proud of him and all he’s achieved so far, as well as my other brother but I don’t feel like I’ve been a great role model. Or at least I’ve been a role model for all the wrong reasons. 'The way to be comfortable later on in life is to not do what my big brother did', essentially is how I would view the life lessons I have bestowed upon them.
I apologise if this hasn’t flowed or appears a bit off topic in places. I started typing and twenty minutes later, my fingers had lead me here. I don’t even really know what my point was with this post. I was feeling a bit sad when I began writing this and it turned into somewhat of a verbal spillage and venting session.
I guess by writing this I’ve told myself that it’s ok to depend on people. It’s ok to ask for help when I’m feeling low and it’s ok to not be ok. As long as I have the people around me that I have, I know I will always be alright and I will always have a good life and I'm so thankful for the love they offer and the help they give.
Also, if you ever feel like you can’t pop that bubble that may appear or you just want to rant a bit, I will always have an ear available, no matter who you are.
Thanks for reading,
Matt.
Someone, somewhere is worse off than I am.