All Guts No Glory Vol. VII
While sat on the Megabus from Bristol to London, I figured now would be a good a time as any to do some more work on my blog as it's been so long!
I decided earlier this year to take a leap of faith and give myself a second chance at the career I’ve always dreamed of since I was a little boy: Acting.
Ten years ago I went to a drama school to study Musical Theatre. I learned quite a bit and made lifelong friends. I also gave up the dream just two years after leaving, as do 80% of drama school graduates. From there I went into bar-tending which became a secondary passion of mine. But when I turned 30 and realised I wasn’t enjoying where I was in life, I did something about it and auditioned at IDSA, Identity School of Acting. I now study there part time in London and it’s great, I’m so glad I made the decision to get back into it.
So after returning to Bristol for a couple of days for a best friend’s 30th birthday, a surprise meal nonetheless which was ruined by the waiter when the Birthday Boy, his wife and son entered the restaurant and said “Table for three, name of Linham” and the waiter responded with “Ah yes, the 25! They’re all upstairs waiting.” Face, meet palm.
Unbelievable.
Anyway, I’m now travelling back to London and as it’s a little early, I had breakfast and headed straight for the bus. My first mistake was not giving myself enough time to allow my breakfast to digest and the coffee to work it’s magic before leaving. I know, rookie move and you’re probably thinking “If you know this is a problem, why not just avoid breakfast?” Well, Diabetes. That’s why. So back to the story, I jump on the bus and about an hour down the road, the familiar sound of rumblings occur as do the slight cramps in my stomach. Normally if I were driving, I could pull into a service station and be just fine but this is the Megabus... I couldn’t hold it for the next two hours, it would’ve killed me. So I tentatively headed for the on-board toilet. I assess the situation and realise there’s no air freshener or spray. Shit. I then think of the two people sat right above and opposite the toilet door. Double shit. As soon as I open this door, their already mediocre journey is going to be further ruined by my bodily functions. I then had a brainwave, the flush. Every 20 seconds or so I hit the flush. A blue-water splashed arse cheek is much more favourable than the alternative which is currently running through my head of the coach pulling over so everyone can clamber off, gagging and wretching, until the emergency services are called and they have to dispose of the entire vehicle due to it being an environmental hazard. Extreme, I know but this is how my brain works.
So I flush and flush and flush until I’m done and do you know what? It only bloody well worked! So next time you’re on a long bus journey, that’s the trick to a non embarrassing bus poo. Provided they have a toilet, I wouldn't recommend it otherwise...
This also reminds me of a story I was meant to write earlier this summer but I’ve been away from writing for a while due to personal events and being quite busy so I shall cite it for you now.
I was driving back from London after visiting my ex-girlfriend. It was quite late, early hours of the morning and there was hardly any traffic on the roads. I had come off the motorway and Murphy’s law would have it that the second I hit the outskirts of Bath, my stomach would start yelling at me. It’s so needy sometimes. Out in the middle of nowhere, I couldn’t hold it any longer. I opened up my glove box, grabbed the emergency roll of toilet paper I keep stashed in there and jumped into the nearest lay-by. Next thing I see is a car coming, which wouldn’t have bothered me because I thought I was quite well hidden, until it slowed down and flicked it’s blue lights on... it was The Fuzz. I had literally been caught with my pants down.
Unable to just get up and walk/drive away, I watched in a slight panic as the police officer stepped out of his car and headed my way. “Good evening!” I proclaimed with a smile. “Hello sir.” He responded, sounding quite tired. He continued with, “You realise you can’t do that here, yes?” I proceeded to explain my medical history and the issues it presented, all the while still squat in the bushes with my bum out for all to see. He was very understanding and told me he felt my pain but next time to maybe jump further into the field and not just in the bushes. I told him I would’ve done had it not been so dark, I missed the part about how I was scared of doing my deed in a pitch black field with god knows what animals roaming around. The last I wanted was to be attacked by an angry Badger because I'd soiled his territory! The kindly officer wished me a safe journey and bid me goodnight. As his car pulled away I gave a friendly wave and a smile, all from the comfort of my bush before heading home to the comfort of my bathroom. Needless to say, it was a good story for the both of us to tell the boys the next day I imagine.
Thank you for reading and I hope you enjoy These Ramblings of Mine. Don’t forget to share, like and subscribe, thanks folks.
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