All Guts, No Glory Vol. III
After returning home from Egypt, late 2012, I spent Christmas with my family and caught up with friends whom I hadn't seen since earlier that year. I only had a few months before training began for me to start my next season of entertainment work. I was to be sent to Lanzarote, a country that is host to a volcano, black sand beaches and one of the best Tapas restaurants that side of the equator apparently. I say apparently because I never actually got to see it. I received a phone call a week before heading off for training to ask if I'd return to Egypt as one of the team had pulled out before even starting. As I said previously, Egypt is a notoriously tough season. I would be spending approximately 8-9 months there, working five and a half days a week, every week. I said yes straight away because I had loved the country so much the previous year but wanted to experience it to the fullest over a complete season. I started training and met my teammates James, Hannah and Johanna.
Our Ents-Manager, Cameron, would join us later in a couple of weeks.
We trained in what I can only describe as a boarding school. The schedule was tough and gruelling. We had to learn around 8 big shows, 12 puppet shows, 2 team shows and a pantomime. Plus aquafit routines and gameshows. It was equally as tough for me because Egypt teams are usually comprised of people who knew the original material from the previous year and would only have to learn anything new, maybe two new shows, puppets shows and slight tweaks to original routines. Because I hadn't been trained for these beforehand because I was only a cover entertainer the previous year and the campsite in Hull wasn't part of this brand so the shows were completely different. On top of this, due to Egypt's longer than usual season, we had less time to train than everyone else so the pressure was on. It was intense but great fun, don't get me wrong. If you've ever been on an all-inclusive holiday that hosts entertainment teams then you'll no doubt know how much they have to do. What you might not realise is the effort that goes into getting to that point. We slept in bunkhouses, woke up at 7am every day and worked on singing, dancing etc. sometimes right through until late evening when it was coming closer to leaving for our resorts. My stomach never really played up to the point of having any accidents but my gas was tremendous. I suffered terrible bouts of trapped wind that sometimes, literally crippled me to the point where I was nearly in tears, curled on the floor and we would have to suspend training for the day.
My team were so understanding and I was so grateful for them, I wouldn't have blamed them if they didn't want to spend the entire season possibly dealing with this.
One day, during a rehearsal for one of the many shows, I was having some trouble with particularly noxious wind. I even managed to clear the entire room of my teammates and our instructor, Stacey. (see image, actual footage from the scene of the crime.)
It was bad. No, bad is too light, I would say it was close to criminal and had it been a smaller and less ventilated space, could have been considered an act of war.
We arrived in Sharm El Sheikh and I was so excited to get into everything. That season was so much fun! I will write a few more posts about my time in Egypt but for now, there's a moment that fits well within the confines of this theme. In these resorts, they had Characters. Characters from two major movies, I'm not sure I should mention the movies or characters but let's just call them Notshrek and Notalex The Notlion. That clears that up...
I was responsible for occasionally performing as these characters, (no children should be reading this post so I'm under no obligation to preserve the illusion that they're a guy in a suit). I really enjoyed these but my god they were hard work. Imagine being wrapped in a sleeping bag with a giant helmet on and the visor is two inches wide, can only be angled towards the floor directly in front of you and is covered in mesh. Add to that the 40 degree heat, no breeze and the fan inside the helmet has broken. There's also a slight sense of claustrophobia and not knowing what's happening around you. Throw in a dance routine and you've got yourself all sorts of human soup going on in that thing. I swear I lost a pound in water weight just through sweat in those suits, which I couldn't afford to lose.
There was an evening I'd like to mention before talking about the main event. I'd been having some trouble with my stomach but it wasn't anything unusual. That evening however, I got back to my room and had to use the throne room. The toilets in Egypt have bidets and let me tell you, there's nothing more refreshing than a short burst of cold water to the backside to make you feel awake and ready to start your day! Don't knock it until you've tried it. So I did the business, wiped, did the obligatory 'is it clear to stand up' check of the paper and noticed something that made my heart stop, my chest tighten and my sweat worsen. The colour of my business was pink. Not red, black or purple but pink. Pink. Now, I'm used to the panic of red poo followed by 'wait, I ate beetroot'. But never pink poo.
Please be warned now, the following image contains poo. Pink poo.
Scroll past quickly if you're eating or have a nervous disposition. You have been warned
PINK RIGHT?!
I apologise if that caused distress, I'm so used to it that it doesn't bother me. It's the only time I shall put a picture of actual poop in my blog but I felt it had to be seen to really know the true pinkness of the deed. Also, post published edit, a friend of mine, Lucy said reminded her of this guy...
You're welcome 90s TV fans!
No idea what caused this at the time as I hadn't eaten any red or pink foods and to this day, I still don't know. One of life's many mysteries.
So, back to the main event. One night I was having a few issues, I'd taken my Imodium to stem the flow and a codeine (prescription) as a side effect of codeine is a binding agent. I knew I had to be Notalex the Notlion on stage very soon to meet and greet the kids. I got suited up, pants only as it was far too sweaty to wear anything else. I got on stage, did the photo session and dances with the children. Then... then I felt it. The familiar growling of my stomach. It's funny how I can tell when it's coming. It's the left side of my stomach, possibly the duodenum, (Science), and I get a movement, a sense that something has just flown through that corner of my small intestine and is making its way to my colon like a proverbial Meatloaf on a Harley. As soon as that happens, I have roughly 30-60 seconds before it tries to make it's great escape attempt. I can hold it back and fight it but sometimes, as these stories profess, it doesn't work. This was one of those times.
I tapped my Ents Manager, Cameron, on the shoulder and leaned in to whisper in his ear because, y'know, Notalex the Notlion can't talk to anyone other than the team because he's shy, obviously. I leaned in a said 'Code Brown' in such a voice that he knew exactly what to do. This was a code we had arranged if ever I had to leave the stage for any emergency bum trouble that may occur. It was also used if a rogue child, (or even a wrong'un of an adult playing a social media game and should know better), had shat in the pool. He made my excuses, proclaiming that I had to get back to the jungle for an emergency. Bears may shit in the woods but Lions can't always make it back to the jungle...
I waved, made my way towards the edge of the stage and through the effort of walking down the stairs with false feet the size of small boats attached to my own feet, I lost the ability to hold Meatloaf and his Harley back. All the effort used in keeping my intestinal content within me was too much to be able to exert myself any further.
I had shat inside the suit. Luckily it wasn't a lot and it never got any further than my pants but nonetheless, I had soiled a children's cartoon character. Notalex the Notlion had become the latest victim of my fecal tirade.
I managed to get the suit off and get myself back to my room to shower and change in time to make it back for the final show but that was a defining moment in my entertainment career. Again, how my team put up with me is anyone's guess! I guess like you, reader, I kept them entertained and made them feel good about their own lives and I'm ok with that.
Thanks for reading the third chapter in the saga that is the relationship between my anus and any material it comes in contact with. Remember you can subscribe to my blog to receive an email letting you know about my latest posts before anyone else and please share with your friends and family.
Thanks for reading,
Matt.
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